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Doubt have the pleasure of being asked to publish the following list of raucous suggestions. We were approached by a group of people calling themselves T.E.M.P.E.S.T, they are a small congregation of workshy drug/beer/porn/sex/dope/fast car/slalom skiing/experimental cookery addicts who live their lives as if they were the lovechild of Luke Reinhardt and Johnny Knoxville.
Their suggestion is to keep a weekend free (you are allowed to start from 6pm on the Friday evening but must stop at midnight on the Sunday) and attempt to do as many things on this list as possible without killing anyone, being arrested, sodomising animals, getting a blister or crying. They claim to have set the current record by successfully completing no less than 76 of their allotted tasks. So we at Doubt in association with T.E.M.P.E.S.T challenge you to do any better, let us know how you got on...
- Make a full sized Spitfire from old pizza boxes and snot and fly to Scotland
- Dress up as Kate Bush and say 'oooh he's here again, the man with the child in his eyes' each time you see a man
- Infiltrate next doors TV system and force them to watch Emmerdale Farm until their eyes explode and their ears drop of
- Pretend to be mime artists when up the super market
- Wear Dexies Midnight Runners T-shirts and claim they were the best band ever
- Wrestle each other in the dark in the swimming pool with bricks tied to your ankles whilst really drunk
- Buy all the porn from the local shop and all the tissues & loo roll too
- After buying the above point to yourself and say to the shop keeper 'Hello I'm the out of town Power Wank Champion'
- Eat insects and speak in weird dialects
- Pretend to be ZZ Top
- Train a legion of terrapins to infiltrate GCHQ and hold the country to ransom
- Blow coloured smoke into the bedrooms of villagers - saying that you're Big Friendly Giants
- Dress up as Polynesian warriors and hunt domestic animals with spears through the gardens of English villages
- Hang around the street corners in Victorian clothes and blatantly whore yourself
- Rustle some horses, then see if anyone can actually eat a whole one
- Divert a river through the family property and start a 'feud'
- Sit in silence for 2 hours
- Play the 'Tourrets Syndrome' game in Tescos
- Blow your beans in public
- Drink as much liquid as possible and the first person to pee takes off a layer of clothing - repeat this on a round by round basis
- Write 'Pilots are Faggots' in oil in a field and set it alight
- Recreate the battle of Pearl Harbour in the pool using Danish Pastries and French Sticks
- Buy night vision goggles and storm a village with a shoot to kill policy
- Call the police and see if they shoot you or give you a beating for no apparent reason
- Pretend you are foreign tourists looking for the local drug dealer and whore house
- Set up an alter, sacrifice a virgin and try to raise a demon from the bowels of hell itself
- Make a scale model of orphan Annie and fire rockets at it
- Learn to do back flips
- Make a cocktail with every spirit known to man, drink a pint of it, spin around in circles and then try kicking you dog in the nuts
- Go into local chemist and buy 30 packets of condoms, an extra large tube of pile cream, all the lubricant they stock, 7 man size packets of tissues, some Kudos aftershave, a pack of tampons, 4 watch batteries and some foot powder
- Introduce an ecosystem threatening species that will disrupt the natural equilibrium of the existing food chain
- Construct a runway in the neighbouring field then attempt to land a plane bound for Gatwick
- Car jacking for loose change
- Kidnap a member of the public from Wolverhampton then submit them to a number of Japanese endurance style tests while they fight for their lives
- Build a super-computer then take over the world
- 24 hour pornathon (incorporating a special 'Who's the Daddy?' hour)
- Build a mountain of human excrement
- Play hide the sausage in the dark with luminous paint
- Steal as Aston Marten DB7 and then Play, 'How long does it take to right-off an Aston Martin DB7?'
- Re-enact the 'Libyan Embassy storming' by pretending to be members of the SAS and abseiling from the roof into upstairs windows
- Watch TV standing on your head
- Eat dinner standing on your head
- Go to bed in a suit of armour
- Wank whilst screaming like a madman
- Wake up your friends in the middle of the night by ringing them up and yelling 'fuck me, fuck me, fuck me you horny wanton bitch'
- Wank 4 times in 20 minutes
- Eat a Breakfast of fried cereal and
- Go for nap with mustard under your eyelids
- Have a parrot for lunch
- Wank again but this time at your own leisure
- Shout 'You're gay' when in public and point at an OAP
- Eat raw Sausages
- Play the Hidden Bacon Game
- Wear full scuba gear at all times
- Throw grenades at the neighbours
- 13 hour pornothon (in the event of a 24 hour one being too much to bear or if for some odd reason you do not have enough porn)
- Learn to play 80's hits on the piano including T'pau and Wang Chung
- Male bonding session around a BBQ with some blokes from local Young Farmers Society
- See if your mobile works under water
- Night operation 'Stalking Pervert'
- Wear slippers, smoke pipes, wear smoking jackets
- Make bombs and bomb something
- Build an elevated swimming pool and heavy pet at will
- Dig a tunnel between house and tennis court (surely you have one), re-enact great escape
- Show arse to neighbours
- Show neighbours to arse
- Sniff fingers in local shop and shout 'phwoargh my fingers absolutely stink'
- Mountain building game (food, granite, JCB, labourers, hairy arsed Irish foreman, 27 copies of The Sun and 100 litres of tea required)
- Face painting game (gloss only)
- Crazy climbing game (Day Release patients, step ladders, tables, oil and a trellis required)
- Pull down your pants and suffocate the ants
- Recreate the Blair Witch Project
- Pretend you are in a cult and act like rich freaks on crack
- Write a short book of romantic poetry
- In all the excitement don't forget to go to the toilet
- Hillbilly Karoke
- Cannon Duels
- Do do do; c'mon and do the Conga
- Death Metal Challenge
- Oil up a pal and slide him into the village, pronouncing '...the Lord of Lower Monkfish is here to claim what is rightfully his...'
- Steal some sheep and send them over the side of the nearest ravine
- Do the Timewarp and then do it again
- Unleash the plague
- Goldschlager speed drinking session
- Play Cluedo in the kitchen with a wrench
- Run amok wearing pyjamas, singing Psalms in Latin and waving fruit in the air in a menacing manner
- Pretend to be 17C ponces and ponce about in a poncey way
- Invade Essex
- Do do do the Funky Gibbon
- Talk in Jamaican patois for 3 hours
- Re-enact an episode of "The Flashing Blade"
- Wow the crowds in the local market town with your amazing performing bears
- Release thousands of rats into the local town then quickly get rid of them Pied Piper style
- Pretend to be a really good pole dancer whenever you are near a lamp post
- Dress up as "Adam and the Ants" and play "Stand and Deliver"
- Sign a pact with the Devil and surrender your soul in exchange for a weekend of ridiculous debauchery
- Pretend that you've landed on the 'Planet of the Apes' by randomly sinking to your knees and shouting 'GOD...WHAT HAVE THEY DONE!!!
- Drinking contest where you drink from the locals' furry-cup
- Build a Bastille then go hunting for local upper class types to execute
- 2 hour wankathon (with a special 'distance and skill' hour)
- Hold a chicken in the air
- Put a deck chair up your nose
- Fly a jumbo jet
- And bury all your clothes
- Nah, nah, nah nah
- Pretend your name is Keith
- Ball size contest
- Hold a Break dancing/robotics festival
- Play Soggy Biscuit
- Smoked cheese snorting competition
- Put Fairy Liquid in a pond
- Wear mirkins for duration of weekend
- Milk the cat
- Skidmark game (Pants and powerful motorcycle required)
- Take an AC Mobil on a rally course
- Hold a Free Love festival
- Free Willy
- Do a Maths test
- Enslave the locals and make them build an effigy of Donald Duck
- Write a juvenille list of things to do
(With thanks to Baxt, The Pie, Buvez, Romanticco and Monsieur Le Fun)
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