The priest in a small village was very fond of the rooster and 10 hens he kept out the back of the parish house. One Saturday night, the rooster went missing and the priest suspected it had been stolen.
The next day at the morning mass, he asked the congregation Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No" the priest said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No" He said with a hint of annoyance.
"That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No" he said angrily. "That wasn't what I meant either".
"HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY COCK?"
All the choirboys stood up.
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for dreaming, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth Day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this Bloke was lonely and needed some company to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with, so God created Mates, and God saw that they were Good Blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day, God saw that the Blokes were tired and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and scrape the barbie. Evening came and it was the end of the Seventh day.
God sighed, looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes and Sheilas, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns, and God saw that it was not just good. It was better than that; it was bloody AUSTRALIA!!
A Catholic priest and a rabii are out playing golf one day, and the priest is having a hot round. Everything he hits goes straight towards the hole, and he is looking to reduce his handicap by 2 or 3 strokes.
It gets to 3PM and he looks at his watch, and says 'bugger' (as Catholic priets tend to say).
The rabii says "What is up?"
The priest says "It is 3 and I have to hear confession at 3:30, and I am playing so well"
The rabii says, why don't I hear confession for you today, and you can play through.
The priest says "It's so boring, would you do that for me?"
"Of course" says the rabii, it's more interesting than what I do all day.
The preist says to him that all the sins are given a punishement according to a chart in the confessional, and that all he has to do is mete out the punishment according to the sin.
So the rabii hears the first confession, it is a young girls who has copulated with a young boy. The rabii looks up copulation, and issues the standard 5 Hail Mary's.
The next confession the woman admits to oral sex, and the rabii looks it up and issues the standard 2 Our father's and 2 Hail Mary's.
The rabii is thinking that confession is a bit of a doddle when the next confessor sits down and admits to performing anal sex the night before. The rabii looks it up but can't find it anywhere on the chart.
He is starting to panic because he thinks he is sure to be found out, when a choir boy walks past. The rabii rushes out and demands "What does father give for anal sex?"
The choir boy replies "a packet of smarties".
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added..
"that's not a Porche, it's a Ferrari."
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, it's certainly not a ship. And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He took one, lit it, and took a long drag.
"Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Sweet Jesus!" "Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
Bloke walks into the doctor s surgery and says "Doc Doc my dicks tuned orange"
Doctor says "orange, whaddya mean it's turned orange".
Bloke says "It just turned ORANGE!"
So the doc tells him to take his pants off so he can take a look. Sure enough the poor bloke s old fella has turned a nice shade of orange.
The doc asks the bloke "Mate have you been doing anything out of the ordinary or eaten anything that you wouldn't normally eat in the last week or two?" to which the bloke replies
"Nah mate, the last three weeks I ve been on holidays, just sitting round at home eating cheezels and watching pornos!".
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would
have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!
The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull of my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull of my pants... so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy like and says now go to town cowboy..."
So here I am!!!
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf all along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make
hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?" The guy says:
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
A irishman gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the irishman is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"